Dr. Susan A. Adams
Lighting a Candle in the Darkness of Despair
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Suggestions for Helping Children and Adolescents
Cope With Grief Over the Holidays
 
Dealing with grieving children and adolescents over the holidays can be particularly challenging – especially for grieving parents.  All members of the family have their own expectations and often are “emotionally unavailable” to meet other’s needs  Sometimes just daily functioning or following simple routine can be challenging.

 

Children have short attention spans and may be very sad one minute and out playing with their friends the next.  It is not uncommon for them to exhibit regressive behaviors.  This can include things like wetting the bed, sucking their thumb, carrying their baby blanket or just needing to cuddle or more parental attention.

 

While it can be difficult for younger family members, it can also be a time for family members to strengthen communications.  By finding ways to talk about the person who died, it provides an opportunity to honor and remember that special person.  However, parents frequently will provide the cue to how children will respond. 

 

If parents are comfortable with their own tears and talking about the person that died, then children and adolescents probably will be too.  Don’t forget that the “permanence” of death is problematic for young children.  While they may witness the burial, it is not unusual for to expect that person to return for the holidays.  Adolescents may struggle to voice their emotions with adults because emotions are scary.  Sometimes they will find it easier to talk to a friend, a counselor, or a special adult worker at church or school.

 

It is important for children / adolescents to see that parents are “safe” people and can be there to keep them safe as well.  Adults often find it difficult to express their own emotions and may find it beneficial to seek personal counseling.  It is OKAY to find a safe place where you can “not be okay” for a while.

 

Below are some suggestions.  Remember this is not an “inclusive” list and can easily be adapted to meet your family’s special needs at this time of the year.

 

  • Talk to your children and adolescents about the holiday season and what the physical absence of your loved one means.  This is especially critical for that first year.  One child finally cried and told her mother that is was “okay” that they weren’t going to celebrate Christmas ever again.  The puzzled mom asked the child why she thought that.  The child responded that Dad had always taken her to see Santa and give him her Christmas list.  Since Dad had died during the past year, the child assumed that Santa would not come because Dad wasn’t there to take her to see him.  One teen-ager expressed great anger in our counseling session because he was now “expected to be the man of the house” now that his dad was dead.
  • Children and adolescents need assurances about whatever holiday is celebrated at this time of the year.  They need to know what will be the same and what has changed.  Conversations don’t need to be lengthy.  (Remember:  Children have short attention span and will only handle simple, age-appropriate information.)  They don’t necessarily need all the details, but they do need to know it is “okay” to cry, be sad or angry or confused for a “while.”  Don’t act like “nothing happened” because this creates a shroud of silence that children easily pick up on and interpret it to mean that we can’t talk about the death or their grief.
  • Children and teens grieve on a different timeline than adults.  Anticipating the holidays may be worse than the actual holiday itself.  Many things will impact a child’s perspective of this holiday season.  Things such as major changes that occurred as a result of the death (e.g., had to sell the house, move somewhere, etc.) and the relationship with the deceased.  For example, their reaction would probably be quite different if they only saw that person 1-2 times a year versus if there was almost daily contact.
  • Make plans to help ALL deal with and survive this emotional time of the year.  Include children (when appropriate) in making holiday plans.  Help them to feel included and a welcome part. They will need an extra measure of nurturing to help them feel emotionally supported.  Encourage them to attend their own holiday functions – if appropriate.  Sometimes they need “permission” to return to a world that does not revolve around sadness.
  • Talk about holiday plans will be the same and different this year.  What traditions will you keep?  Which ones will you change a bit?  Which ones will be altered?  Be careful about suggesting that “life is over” or “life will be forever changed.”  These are concepts that many (including adults) struggle with and find very “unsettling.”  This is not the time to create more stresses in your life or the lives of your younger family members.
  • Remember that laughter is good for the soul!  It releases endorphins (help us feel good) into the brain.  The good memories need to be incorporated into our holiday celebrations, too.  It’s okay to laugh and find joy in life.  This is not a “betrayal” of the deceased or a way to “run away” from the sadness.  It is a normal part of daily life to be embraced.
  • Pay attention to your children, and this may be easier to do the younger the child. Make sure they are eating and resting.  Be aware of when and how they express their emotions. Make sure they also drink plenty of water!  This will help flush the toxins out of their system.
  • Whatever your spiritual belief system is, find a way to incorporate some type of spiritual experience into your holiday celebration.  You church, synagogue, mosque or another faith community activity may be a way for all of you to connect to something greater than yourself during this special time of the year.
  • Find rituals that might bring comfort to each of you.  Drawing pictures, lighting a candle, paying a visit to the cemetery, buying gifts for another child or family, making a monetary donation in memory of, buy a special ornament to hang on the Christmas tree, read a book or watch an uplifting movie together with a bowl of popcorn, plant a tree… these are just suggestions to “jump start” your own creative thought processes.  Find something meaningful for your family.
  • Normalize your children’s tears as much as possible.  While they are not the only way, they are a common way for many to express the sorrow they are experiencing inside.  Stick to daily routines as much as possible because this “normalizes” things by incorporating the “familiar” into daily living.  Connect with other family members, but only if this is a supportive environment.