1)

Plan for them!

Whether you are "ready" or not, the holidays are coming.  For some they will bring happy times filled with fun and laughter, but for many they will be filled with sadness of significant people that are no longer physically present in our lives.  Their absence may be due to a variety of reasons:  death, divorce, moved, or just "moving on" in different directions.  Whatever the reason, it doesn't reduce the hurt.  Identify your needs, wants, and preferences.  There is a difference in these and often people don't realize that.  What do you "need" to do and what do you "want" to do and what do you "prefer" to do.   Make 3 different lists of these.

2)

Prioritize your plans!

Talk to your family and friends.  Include anyone in this list that will "expect" something from you over the holiday season - whether that expectation includes social activities or physical presence. 

• Examine your "need to do" list.  How can you manage to do those?  Can you "make an appearance" or must you stay for several hours? 
• Look at the things on your "want to do" list.  Some of these may actually provide a much needed break in the grieving process.  (Remember we do not grieve 24/7!)  However, it is best to prioritize so that you do not overwhelm your fragile coping skills. 
• Then think about your preferences.  The natural preference for many is to stay home with the covers pulled up over their heads.  While some of this is not unhealthy, too much of this behavior can lead down a negative trail of emotions which can quickly become unhealthy and not productive in helping to cope.

3)

Do what you can!

It takes a lot of energy to deal with grief (and the stress that goes along with it).  Give yourself a break and recognize that the holidays can be stressful anyway, but with this additional stress, it can be overwhelming!  Don’t be too hard on yourself!  Lower your expectations of what you must get done.  The key word this year needs to be FLEXIBILITY! 

Don’t confuse sadness and depression.  They are not the same.  Being sad won’t make you depressed. 

·        Sadness – This is an emotion that can be shared with others. It often has humor interspersed and can include periods of energy.  There is a sense of hope that surfaces which provides “light at the end of the tunnel” – so to speak.

·        Depression – This emotion usually leads to isolation and withdrawal from special activities, family and friends, and eventually from normal routine life activities.  There is little or no sense of humor or joy.  There is a pervasive feelings of being tired all the time, not sleeping well or sleeping too much, flat affect (little expression of any emotion).  This depression spiral can ultimately lead to a feeling of pessimism, hopelessness, helplessness, and despair.

Also don’t confuse activity with a purpose with simply “being busy” or frantic activity.  Being busy simply to avoid thinking or feeling is counter-productive.

• Purposeful Activity – This requires some thought and frequently some planning.  It is activity that is mindful of our needs and allows for expression of our feelings.

• Frantic Activity – This resembles more unconscious or compulsory activity.  The person is usually unaware of the frenzied nature of what they are doing.  It is an attempt to avoid feelings by filling time with actions.  If I stay busy enough I won’t “feel” is usually the limited thought process.

8)

Don’t get caught up in the “myth” of the holidays!

Your true feelings may be very different from the mythology that you see on commercial television.  This holiday season will filled with many memories and perhaps traditions from the past.  Some of those will be joyful and warm; others may be painful and sad.  All of these memories will bring bittersweet thoughts and feelings that can threaten to engulf you in a sea of heartache. 

Often we see images of the “perfect family” stereotype everywhere.  However, life is not like the movies, commercials, or magazine images that flood our senses. There is not always a “happy ending” or a white Christmas (or whatever holiday you are celebrating at this particular time of the year).  We can’t escape these images and it just accentuates the painful comparison. 

Many do not have these picture perfect families and never have had them.  This further emphasizes the loss at this time of the year.  Get beyond this myth and focus on what you had and what you have.  Explore the “Coping Ideas” below to find ideas that you can incorporate that may be beneficial for you during this difficult time of year.